Tag Archives: leadership

Benign Neutrality: Breaking the Cycle of Rude Behavior

More often than not, leaders will encounter rude behavior in the workplace. This behavior can quickly escalate into a cycle of negative behavior that is difficult to break using traditional approaches.

If you practice benign neutrality, Then you will break the cycle of rude behavior so that you can interact in a civil way.

Rude Behavior

Everyone experiences or witnesses rude behavior on a weekly basis. It may be as simple as person ignoring another’s opinion or as nasty as undermining someone’s efforts. If you respond or react to the behavior, you run the risk of escalating it. If you don’t deal with it, it becomes a self-maintaining cycle. Not only will it thwart your effort to get the job done, you may become burnt out as a result. It will also impact others around you, at work and at home.

Cycle of Behavior

When in a cycle of rude behavior, you may lose focus on what is important and the behavior may become toxic. Do not take it on. Ask yourself:

  • Do I feel safe talking with this person?
  • Was the behavior unintentional?
  • Was it an isolated incident?

If you answer no to any of the questions then do not discuss it with the offender. Once the behavior has continued for an extended period, being nice, giving feedback, practicing ongoing regard, and apologizing can actually make things worse. Conversely, if you over react and try too obviously to “distance” yourself, or report the problem, you may also cause harm. Instead, manage yourself using benign neutrality.

What is Benign Neutrality?

The mindset of Benign Neutrality is to remain interactive and civil with a rude person so that you can work together. Be professional, polite, non-threatening, impartial, and free of emotion. Do not shut down, avoid, display indifference, or ignore the other person completely. Act with humility and respect. This will not weaken your position but instead, it redirects the conversation to a position of: “We need to work together. What do we need to do to move this forward?”

Use the lowest level on the ladder of inference to describe: “This is what I observe; this is the data we have.” Don’t attempt to validate assumptions. Listen. Think before you speak. Ask yourself:

“Is what I am about to say: …brief? …on topic? …useful and accurate?             Does it need to be said?”

Stand firm with your statements. Don’t ask a question unless you are genuinely interested in the other person’s response. If the other person is unreasonable, use these questions:

  • I’m feeling stuck. Do you have any ideas?
  • What data or logic will change your mind?
  • How can we get more information?
  • If you were in my place how would you proceed?
  • Can you tell me how your idea impacts this situation?
  • How can I express this in a way that respects your views?
  • What is it about this situation (or me) that is making this difficult?
  • How can we work together to get this done?

Questions to Deepen Thinking

How is your approach to dealing with rude people working?
What are the consequences of shutting down and evading people with rude behavior?
If you treat people who exhibit rude behavior with humility and respect, what will that get you?

Argyris, C. (1982). Reasoning, learning, and action: Individual and organizational. San Francisco: Jossey Bass Inc. Pub.
Porath, C. (2016, April). Managing Yourself: An Antidote to Incivility. Harvard Business Review, pp. 108-111.

Making Decisions in Times of Uncertainty

As a manager you are probably good at looking at sets of data and making quick decisions. However, do you sometimes agonize over a decision because there is so much emotion attached? Do you wish you could step back, slow down, and see the various perspectives for what they are worth?

If you intentionally evaluate the possible gains and losses from taking an action, then you will make better decisions.

Evaluating Potential Gains and Losses

By nature, individuals prefer avoiding losses rather than acquiring gains. This is especially true when faced with a decision that may lead to a risky outcome. Managers are often so focused on what could go wrong that they become paralyzed. This leads to doing nothing — not because doing nothing is the best option, but because the person is in a state of inertia. They tend to make a “safe” decision to avoid risk. This in turn can lead to apathy, self-doubt, and isolation. How can you measure and weigh the reasons for decisions?

Fear No Risk!

To avoid getting caught up in the trap of doing nothing, determine the risk. When considering an action in which you are unsure of what the outcome might be, identify decision factors and assess each factor’s relative importance. Explore the potential gains and losses of taking an action as well as the gains and losses from doing nothing. Make a conscious effort to identify, analyze, and rate the alternatives between:

  • taking action as planned
  • taking an alternative action
  • taking no action

Draw the following table and complete each box:

Evaluating Alternative Actions

Once you have identified and analyzed possible actions, ask yourself the following questions before you make your decision:

  1. How do my potential gains from taking action compare to potential losses if I don’t take any action?
  2. How do my potential losses from taking action compare to potential gains from not taking any action?
  3. Which alternative makes the most sense for me in achieving my commitment?
  4. Is there an action that might make more sense?

After answering these questions you will have a clear picture of the risks. It will give you more confidence in decision-making, and eliminate self-doubts after the fact.

Questions to Deepen Thinking

How is your decision-making process working for you?
What are the consequences of allowing emotions to affect your decision-making?
Can you make decisions differently?

Tversky, A. & Kahneman, D. (1986). Rational choice and the framing of decisions. The Journal of Business 59.                                                                                                                                               Halvorson, H. (2013). The hidden danger of being risk-averse. Harvard Business Review.


Coaching Moments: Creating Opportunities to Motivate

Becoming a coaching manager doesn’t happen by proclamation or all at once. It takes an incredible amount of work, effort, and time. It also requires positive long-term commitment.

If you create frequent, brief, mostly positive, coaching opportunities, then your employees are more likely to be highly motivated.

Psychological Safety

It is important for managers to be in touch with their direct reports as individuals and as employees. A coaching relationship allows for this. To be successful, the employee needs to feel psychologically safe when talking with their manager. According to David Rock’s SCARF model for collaborating with & influencing others, managers need to be mindful of these 5 domains: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Fairness .

The following table summarizes the SCARF Model:

Coaching Moments

While keeping SCARF in the forefront of your mind, coaching moments are focused on what a manager needs from their employee AND what the employee needs from their manager. Sessions should be structured weekly; scheduled in advance; and limited to 15 minutes. It can be done in person or by phone. These can be done separately or as part of other one-to-one meetings – as long as a portion of the time is devoted to what employees need. Additionally, both parties should be accountable for holding these meetings: employees should be encouraged to confirm and remind the manager of coaching moments. They should also be encouraged to schedule additional coaching moments when needed.

Motivation Mindset

For the coaching moments to truly motivate your employees, use the following approach:

  • It’s not about who is right; it is about making a difference
  • It is a 2-way dialogue, not a dictate
  • Focus on future, not the past
  • Ask for and listen to the other person’s ideas
  • Try not to prove the other wrong

Follow this structure at every coaching moments session:

Questions to Deepen Thinking

Do you consider yourself a coaching manager?
What will happen if you make an effort to cultivate psychologically safety for your employees?
Can you use 1:1 your time with employees differently?

Rock, D. (2008). SCARF: A brain-based model for collaborating with and influencing others. Neuroleadership.org
Goldsmith, M. (2015). Six Questions for Better Coaching. Talent Quarterly (#5, The Feedback issue), pp. 8-12, 29-30.
Boyatzis, R. & McKee, A. (2005) Resonant Leadership: Renewing Yourself and
Connecting with Others Through Mindfulness, Hope, and Compassion.
Harvard Business School Press.


Related Posts

Leadership Revolution: The Coaches Are Coming!
Ongoing Regard: Boost the Power of Your Thank You
The DOs & DON’Ts of Curious Listening: Tell Me More
Build Empathy into Your Interactions Part 2: Climbing the Ladder of Inference
Accountability Leads to Innovation: 5 Requirements for Setting Clear Expectations
Build Empathy into Your Interactions Part 3: Deconstruct Your Conversations
The Two Faces of Feedback: Reinforcing & Corrective
Want Better Feedback Conversations? Prepare the Receiver

Leadership Revolution: The Coaches Are Coming!

The way we lead our organizations is going through a revolution. A dramatic and wide-reaching change is taking place in the way leadership is being practiced. As social and emotional intelligence practices inform current thinking, leaders are shifting away from the command-and-control leadership of the past and breaking down the hierarchical barriers that were established way back during the industrial revolution.

Leadership is shifting from command-and-control to coaching.       

Coaching Leaders

As organizations realize the importance of employee engagement, they are looking towards new ways of inspiring and motivating their staff. Two strategic areas that are having a tremendous impact directly involve coaching: managers are becoming coaching leaders, and coaching as a practice is being scaled across organizations.

Without coaching, it’s difficult to ask employees to set flexible goals, revise them often, and ‘stretch’ within their jobs. As leaders are demanding their employees assume greater responsibility, function more autonomously, develop more expertise, and make better judgments, they will need to provide frequent and routine coaching.

Benefits of Coaching

If leaders truly want to motivate their workforce, build an organization of high performers, and attract and retain millennials, they will need to invest in coaching. Leadership coaches are becoming more common and they are no longer retained just for “fixing” leaders who need help. Successful leaders are improving their effectiveness by working with coaches and are becoming more mindful empathetic coaches themselves.

If organizations invest in coaching, then they are more likely to implement practices that will motivate their workforce and encourage high performance.

Working with a coach is a powerful way to make behavioral changes. Employees will benefit from 2 types of coaching: scheduled and on-the-spot. Both are critical, and when combined, have been shown to increase effectiveness as much as 30-50%.

In one coaching study, training alone increased productivity by 22%–but when training was paired with coaching, productivity increased by 88%. A study by Metrix Global on a Fortune 500 firm found that executive coaching resulted in an ROI of 529%. A second study by the International Coaching Federation reported that the median return was seven times the initial investment.

Well-coached clients know when they are performing well and when they are not, and will make necessary adjustments independently of the coach. They will also continually try to find ways to improve, by practicing more, by watching others, or by learning something new. As leaders develop a talent for fostering positive behaviors in their direct reports, the individuals they lead will have living breathing models of effective behavior.

Are You a Coaching Leader?

coach–ing (verb): a thought-provoking, creative partnership that inspires maximum potential

lead–er (noun): a person who motivates others to achieve purposeful outcomes

Questions to Deepen Thinking

How is coaching working in your organization?
What will becoming a coaching leader get you?
What are the consequences of not becoming a coaching leader?

Ewenstein, B., Hancock,B. & Komm, A. (2016, may). AHead of the curce: The future of performance management. Retrieved from McKinsey & Company Organization: http://www.mckinsey.com/business-functions/organization/our-insights/ahead-of-the-curve-the-future-of-performance-management
Executive Briefing: Case Study on the Return on Investment of Executive Coaching. MetrixGlobal, LLC. Merrill .C. Anderson, PhD, November 2, 2001.
Flaherty, J. (2010). Coaching: Evoking excellence in others. Oxford, UK: Elsevier.
Goleman, D. & Boyatzis, R. (2008, September). Social Intelligence and the Biology of Leadership. Harvard Business Review.
International Coach Federation, Global Coaching Client Study, 2009.
Talkington, A., Voss, L. & Wise, P. The Case for Executive Coaching. Business Magazine Chemistry Section November 2002.
International Coach Federation “Coaching FAQs” http://coachfederation.org/need/landing.cfm?ItemNumber=978

Want Better Feedback Conversations? Prepare the Receiver

Third in a 3-Part Series on Feedback

Giving feedback is not a technical solution. Simply following the steps for delivering feedback will not suffice. One must also employ an adaptive process to manage emotions and behaviors.

The unusual approach for training around delivering feedback is focused on the giver – even though it is the receiver who determines the outcome. If the receiver is unable or unwilling to absorb the feedback it matters little how technically skilled the giver is. Data shows that reducing the fear and stress for the receiver has nearly three times more impact than improving the skills of the giver. How can you help the receiver? By creating a feedback-friendly environment and providing training for the receiver.

If feedback is delivered in a comfortable environment and at a pace the receiver is comfortable with
then the receiver is more likely to absorb the message and understand why it is beneficial.

Creating a Feedback Friendly Environment

Given that feedback is inherently uncomfortable and emotional, it makes sense that an environment where people feel safe to talk about emotions will alleviate some of that stress. Also, when feedback interactions happen often, they become less of a big, scary monster.

Steps for Creating Feedback Environment
  1. Be aware of positive and negative emotion attractors and the impact of both.
  2. Deliver reinforcing feedback at least 7 times more often than corrective feedback.
  3. In reinforcing feedback conversations, focus on a specific action, event, or behavior. Praising talent and ability in general terms can result in risk aversion and heightened sensitivity to setbacks.
  4. Get to know each other as individuals. Build relationships.
  5. Occasionally talk about your own experience with negative emotions, embarrassments, disappointments, anger. Doing so will make others feel it is safe for them to feel those emotions.
  6. Have shorter, more frequent conversations. Several small conversations have a bigger impact than one big feedback session.
  7. Have informal conversations through weekly check-ins.
  8. Don’t call the conversation FEEDBACK. Never say I want to give you some feedback. Instead choose words that describe your intent; for example: I want to discuss progress or performance, describe the impact of your behavior, share positives, or open a dialogue.
  9. Institute the Feedback Recipient Bill of Rights (below).
Training for the Receiver of Feedback

The main objective of the receiver is to manage emotions and social threats so that they can hear what is being said. The adaptive process of giving good feedback involves allowing the receiver to control the pace of the feedback. Much like health professionals delivering stressful information, leaders should only give feedback as fast as the receiver can absorb it. Instituting the Feedback Recipient Bill of Rights will help with this process.

Feedback Recipient Bill of Rights (with sample script)
  1. You have a choice whether to receive the feedback at this time. “Now is not a good time. Can we do this later?”
  2. You can choose to suspend the feedback conversation if you are unable to continue. “I can’t hear any more right now. Can we finish this later?”
  3. You should restate and validate the reason for the conversation. “So the reason you are sharing this is because…?”
  4. You should test the giver’s assumptions“This is what I am hearing… Is this what you are getting at?”
  5. You have the right to request some time to reflect and schedule a follow-up conversation before any decisions are made. “I need some time to think about this before I respond. Can we finish this conversation later?”
  6. You should reflect back on the conversation when your emotions have subsided. “Ok. (Deep breath.) What does this information mean for me… Can I use it to help me…?”
  7. You should share your insights when you reconvene, without being defensive. “I thought about what you said… It made me feel… This is what I think…”
Questions to Deepen Thinking

What is keeping you from changing your work environment to make it more feedback friendly?
What might happen if you allow a person to postpone or suspend a feedback conversation?
What are the consequences if you don’t allow the receiver to step away from the conversation until emotions subside?

Batista, E. (2013, December). Building a feedback-rich culture.
Batista, E. (2015, February). Make getting feedback less stressful. Harvard Business Review.
Beatty, R. (2015). Feedback: Navigating for individual and organizational effectiveness. Talent Quarterly(5), 51-56.
Boyatzis, R. & McKee, A. (2005) Resonant Leadership: Renewing Yourself and Connecting with Others Through Mindfulness, Hope, and Compassion. Harvard Business School Press.
DiNisi, A. S. (2015). Does feedback really work? Talent Quarterly(5), 45-49.
Heen, S. &. (2015). Don’t blame HR if your performance evaluation system doesn’t work. Talent Quarterly(5), 21-24.
Rock, D. (2015). Time to rethink the concept of ‘feedback’. Talent Quarterly(5), 41-44.
Zenger, J. &. (2015). Feedback: The leadership conundrum. Talent Quarterly(5), 31-38.


Related Posts

Feedback: A Dirty Word?
The Two faces of Feedback: Reinforcing and Corrective
Ongoing Regard: Boost the Power of Your Thank You
Build Empathy Into Your Interactions Part 2: Climbing the Ladder of Inference
Build Empathy Into Your Interactions Part 3: Deconstruct Your Conversations